Comfort and Peace at Last

hey Momma,

You've moved on to a better place today Mom, you're safe with God now. This is harder than ever imaginable. Somehow having you there beside me writing the other entries gave me strength to do it, like I still had hope. I know you're still with me, but somehow this one is so much harder now that you're in Heaven. This entry is going to be more personalized from me, as we all have different emotions right now.

You never did awake from your sleep, just as the nurses and doctors expected. We all stayed with you again last night. I stayed up and held your hand the entire night, fell asleep partially on your bed with you at one point. I couldn't let go of your hand, because I knew that there was going to be one point that I wouldn't be able to feel its warmth again. A couple times we thought you were close to leaving us, and we would gather around you and let you know that it was okay. Over and over again we would tell you that we're going to be alright, you can let go now and go to God, and how much we love you. And each time, you would breathe out a little louder. We knew that you were trying to tell us something. As the night and morning went on, your breaths became shorter and more shallow, as if you were gasping for air. No one could believe how long you were holding on, I knew you were waiting for something.

The last 2 hours, your gasping became much louder, and we knew you were near. Then the hospital chaplain came in, and a sense of calmness entered the room. We all stood around you and began to pray. I cried a little at first, but they were almost tears of comfort, that I knew you were about to be in a better place, and I was certain that you were going to God. As the father blessed you and we prayer over you, your breaths began to calm, and you began breathing silently once again, like you were finally at peace. A few minutes later you took your final breath, and joined our other loved ones in Heaven. We knew that's what you were waiting for, to be sent to Heaven in that way. I bawled Mom. But I know you were there with me. I've never felt that feeling before, knees giving out and feeling like I'm going to suffocate in my own weeping.... just couldn't let go of your hand. I have so much love for you Mom, and it just poured out of me. While so painful to bear, I would not have wanted you to pass any other way, you were so peaceful.

We all held eachother for a while, pulled together for you Mom. I think you'd be really proud of us. Our sadness cannot be explained in words, we just keep saying how we still can't even believe it, you went downhill so fast. We went from thinking you had at least 2 months, to a couple weeks, to only hours (all three predictions came in 2 or three days consecutively). and somehow managed to keep a positive outlook through it all. Your strength is absolutely incredible Mom. I just keep reading emails and texts we sent back and forth that I've saved, where you assure me that you're all positive-minded, and staying strong for us, and how it's in God's plan, that everything happens for a reason. These are such comforting thoughts now. I could have recognized this on my own, but hearing it from you reassures me that everything is going to be okay, and that you weren't scared.

Mom, I know you're here by my side. But I just want you to know how much I'm going to miss you. I can't even imagine right now how I am going to live the rest of my life without you here on Earth. 21 years with you is just not long enough. I don't want to be apart from you. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget all the little details about you someday that I am so familiar with now. It breaks my heart that you won't physically be there and see me through all that I plan to accomplish in life. I won't have you here to talk to me on the phone between each class, email eachother throughout the day, get advice for any possible obstacle I run into, help plan my wedding one day, be there with me when I start a family, hold my hand when I need comfort. All of these things run through my head and it hurts so bad. All the things mothers and daughters are supposed to do together. I just can't fathom the fact that you're not here anymore. It's suffocating to think about, I hope this pain goes away sometime because right now it feels everlasting. Please be with me Mom, I need you so bad and I need your strength right now. People keep telling me I'm going to be just like you, and I really hope that's true, because you were an incredible woman. No words explain the person you were, and that shows through all of us kids.

Just know that I think about you constantly. Everywhere I look, everything I do, I see your face. All the little things you've said to me in the past few months have really stuck with me, gives me something to hold onto. The necklace you got me the Christmas you were fighting breast cancer is always around my neck, and brings me so much comfort. The blanket that was laying over you while you passed is also comfort, along with your texts, emails, and voicemails I've saved from you. I'll write you more later Mom, I just can't find all the words to express myself right now. I have this void in my life now, and it hurts so bad. I do find peace in that you are no longer suffering, and you are in a better place.

I love you SO much Mom, please be here with me and the rest of the family.


...Taylor Swift's "Best Day" says it perfectly,

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall,
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong,
And I love you for giving me your eyes,
Staying back and watching me shine,
and I didn’t know if you knew,
So I’m taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you, today.

Love you, Megan