Praying for a Miracle

hi Beautiful,

We love you Mom. This one's gonna be a hard one. But it's only fair of us to keep on writing for you.

Today the doctor told us you only have weeks. Can't yet say this without completely breaking down. We hope this doesn't upset you, we don't want you to think we're losing hope, because we're not. And we don't want you to think we're being weak, because we're not doing that either. It's just hard to imagine, even take a glimpse of what life could possibly be like without you. The feeling is almost too much to bear right now, and who's to say when it will get easier. But we know we have to stay strong. We know that is what you would want, and that's the only thing that makes it worth bearing.

At first we were angry. How could these doctors let this happen? Why didn't they warn us of how many people's cancer comes back to the brain after beating breast cancer? Why didn't they give you an MRI when you first started having headaches? Why didn't they do more than just give you a bone scan when you were complaining of profuse pain in your tailbone six weeks ago? Why didn't they pay more attention to you in the hospital, figure these things out right away? Why can't they do something else for you, make our Mom all better? And while we are still so angry, and have so many questions left unanswered, we know that, like Dad keeps telling us, we can't change that now, we can only concentrate on enjoying your presence now.

The 3rd MRI didn't even come out clear, Dr. Tabatabai just said that what they had from the first two was enough. The cancer is in your spinal chord now. Mostly in the lumbar area, the reason you've been in so much pain. But it's seeded in the spinal fluid, which just keeps flowing around your CNS. They can't do anything about it, in fact they say treating you with radiation or chemotherapy would do you more harm than good, and we don't want you suffering. We just wish we would have known sooner, even if it was to be more understanding when we were trying to keep you walking and moving as long as possible. Little did we know you, nor us, had any control over it.

Today wasn't too great of a day for you. You were very restless, and no medication seemed to help. The nurses ended up having to take you off of your IV because now your foot swelled too, and they didn't want to risk the chance of blood clots. Now you're on pain patches and medication they put under your tongue that dissolves quickly into your bloodstream. You were in a lot of pain tonight and ended up going into another seizure that scared us all. It was a rough day for everyone, no one's sure how to take the news. Guess we're all still hoping for God to work some huge miracle for you, and we're believing so hard that it's going to happen.

We don't want you to think we're giving in by this post, we still have hope, and aren't giving up. We just have to be prepared, and want you to know the news we got. We wish your pain would go away, it is awful to see you suffer like this, breaks our hearts. Please hang in there Mom, we're so proud of you. Your strength will help us through our entire lives.

Stay strong Mom, you're an incredible woman. I want to be just like you.

Love you.